dani anihilation

graduation

2008-06-19T15:04:53Z

I`ve been up since about 7 o` clock this morning . I don`t know why though, my dog wouldn`t stop barking and I thought I`d be able to go back to sleep , but I couldn`t . Things are just ... I don`t know . Boring ? Unentertaining ? Completley pointless ? It`s funny . A few months ago , I told myself I would never Leave PRO ( pretty ricky online . us ) and stop being a member , but lately it`s just so negative and pointless that I just stopped logging on . It was a straight popularity contest . The majority of the people had been on that board since 2006 . So someone get's online & makes a post and they FLOCK to go talk to them. Then five minutes later there `s an 8 page post about an inside joke that has me sitting there like "huh?!" . Not only that, the siggy`s are plastered with YIM conversations .. more inside jokes nonetheless . Then random conferences I wasn't apart of because , like a normal person , I was alseep at 2 in the morning, not sitting on the computer. Like I said I was leaving and I get about a few minutes of "No , don`t leave . " Then you`re forgotten .

Wow , big fuckin` deal Kayla ?! Shut up & Let it Go ! It`s the internet .

I know, I`m getting way to worked up over something extremely trivial . But if you`ve been left out for the majority of your life , being left out on the fucking internet starts to become a big deal . Remember , the insecurities . It`s like I can turn something so trivial and pointless into a big deal and it all leads back to my insecurities .

I understand that alot of board`s will have those people who stay on it , so they talk to each other the majority of the time . But that`s a small percentage . On PRO , that`s the majority . ( Wait , I have more griping to do . ) Not only is it a virtual personality contest , it`s like a conflict between what`s percived as a true fan or an "illiterate". Yet those same people who sit there & use their fonts to call other people out as ignorant can barely defend themselves without soemthing turning into DRAMA . Everyone on that board has no TRUE sense of humor . They rather make fun of others , but when it`s turned on them , DRAAAAMAAA . They quickly say the drama spouts from the number of "young girls" on the board . Young girls like 12 - 13 . Yet it`s not the young girls , it`s everyone . & The whole "true fan" thing . [ sighs ] That`s where the root of the conflict started. By judging other people ... by saying that these people are not a true fan because they don`t do that same thing you do is what starts the conflict . Yet the SAAAME people can`t even truely say they`re a true fan themselves . Something like that a person defines themselves . It`s wrong to try and force other people to YOUR standards . Everyone is different and shows their love & appreciation in different ways .

I Said I`ll give it two weeks without me . I`ll go back if I change my mind & my feelings about the attitude of the people . If I do , it`s only because I miss the convo`s I used to have with Pansy .

It`s like high school . But I graduated early .

I'm still learning .

2008-06-15T16:35:29Z

Well , today`s father`s day . Not really a big deal , the family is just cooking my dad breakfast and dinner . Nothing else actually . My sister had to go to violin so they went out , leaving me here to type this . Eeeh , i don't care though . I like being by myself , I don't get as stressed or mad . Just checked my deviant and got another favorite . Lol . It's pretty cool when you see that other people are liking or admiring your work . Like when all these people on BBS were like " I love the way you write " or "You`re an inspiration" [ kendra ! ] No matter how the small the compliment or whatever , It makes me feel good . Especially now . See , i`m just now learning how to fully love myself. You know ? Two - three years of cutting , who knows how long I`ve found thing to pick apart and criticize about my appearance or actions . So when people say stuff like that , I get really excited . I sorta look like I have no life , but oh well . That shouldn't concern you . But at the same time , I see people get more love than me & I get jealous . It's just those insecurities coming back into play . Remember , I'm still just learning . & I set my standards way to high . So High , I can probably never achieve them but I say it and it makes my parents happy . Ya know ? That`s all I want to do anyways . Make other people happy . I forgot what made myself happy and then I got stuck in this .. depression . This "rut" . & certain things only make it worse . Like when I didn't make it into Excelled Designs , I was just mad at myself & I started to have this moment where I picked apart my graphics and tried to figure out what was so shitty about them . Then I was like "Fuck this , I'll never do graphics again." & For a couple weeks , I was just like "I'm done, Everyone else is SOOO much better than me . " This happened when I didn`t get picked for OP Idol . Even though I know I didn`t get picked because I was nervous & fucked up my audition . I take everything and make a big deal out of it . Like if I write something, and no one reads it , I take that to the extreme and say that I`m a horrible writer . Just my insecurities , and I fell like I needed to have a reason to hate myself even more . I`m still trying to change that . The most i`ve done at the moment , is stop cutting . Almost 6 months clean . At least I can be proud of that .

One day ... I had a Hater .

2008-06-14T13:18:30Z

BBS TOPIC ; Haters .

I'm pretty much a nice person , ya know . I do alot of stuff for other people and I try to be nice and only say nice things , yet I still get people who just don't seem to understand the concept of respect.Let's go back to freshman year. Someone who I considered a friend started to go off on me about her boyfriend. Now, I'm not the type of person to go and mess with someone's boyfriend and she knew that. Me and him were just close and have been for a while. She hated that because they didn't even act as if they knew each other. Their relationship was dead from the jump yet she tried to keep it going.

Now what kind of sense does that make ?

It was one of those real stupd instances where you just hate on someone because they have what you want and instead of working on it, you waste all your time hating. She didn't talk to me for a few weeks over that and I just thought that the whole issue was stupid. & Because I felt that if I apologized ( even though I had done nothing wrong ) everything would blow over. She said shit behind my back two minutes later. She got over it after everyone had to go up to her and tell her that what she thought wasn't me and that she needed to break up with him anyways.

A reality check , nonetheless.

Whatever, people come and go. You hate on me, you make me stronger.

-&; I say hello .

2008-06-14T12:58:39Z

Hello .
The name is Kayla . I have to many nicknames to list, but really It doesn't matter. 16 on SeptemberFourthh and going to be a junior in the fall. I'm an eccentric mixture of pure insanity and OCD . You learn to love it . So this it where it begans , let's see where this road takes us .